The 13 Most Frequently Asked Questions for Guys Getting Over Divorce
Sam J. Buser, Ph.D. & Glenn F. Sternes, Ph.D.
Among the questions we get asked the most by men facing divorces, these lead the list:
1. Why did my wife leave me? What can I do to get her back?
2. Does separation mean divorce is inevitable?
3. Do I have to use an attorney to get a divorce? How do I know if I can trust one?
4. What should I discuss with my wife before hiring a divorce attorney? What should I NOT discuss?
5. How do I break the news to the kids? Does divorce always hurt them?
6. My friends say I should throw a “divorce celebration” party. Is this OK to do, especially if I have kids?
7. I don't think I can get over my divorce until I get back at her. I think about it all the time, but I don't want to hurt the kids. How can I let go and what do I do to move on?
8. What can I do if my ex-wife alienates me from the kids?
9. My friends say I should start dating again, and my family says its too soon. How do I know what to do?
10. Where does a divorced guy like me go to meet a good woman?
11. When should a dating relationship become sexual? What do I absolutely need to know about post-divorce sex?
12. Sex is good with my new girlfriend, but I'm not sure I EVER want to get married again. How will I know if I'm ready for a committed relationship?
13. When should I meet her children? What if her kids don't like me?
Sample Q&A: What can I do to get her back?
Do's—Things to DO if you want her back
When you communicate with her, tell her directly that you want to work it out.
Talk with friends or family so that you are not isolated.
Ask friends and family not to give you advice, but rather just to be supportive.
Consider seeing a counselor, minister, or rabbi for a neutral second opinion. Sometimes, you just need to talk and blurt out everything. If so, it may be better to talk with a counselor, psychologist, or religious leader than with friends or family.
Keep regular contacts with your children through visitation and phone calls.
Offer to see a marriage counselor with her if she feels that would be helpful.
Agree that changes are needed in the relationship for it to be viable.
Acknowledge that she has legitimate complaints, and you want to address them.
Focus on developing healthy habits such as exercise, losing weight, and eating a healthy diet.
If you are religious, get more involved with your faith.
Don'ts—Things to NOT DO if you want her back
Don't beg, plead, or cry. She doesn't want a wuss.
Don't bug her with multiple e-mails, phone calls, or notes.
Don't show up at her place of business to talk to her.
Don't hire a private investigator to follow her.
Don't increase your use of alcohol, tobacco, or other substances.
Don't become a workaholic.
Don't complain about her to your family and friends.
Don't speak ill of her to the children.
Don't spend lots of money on her to prove that you love her.
Don't start another relationship to make her jealous or to consider your options.
Don't be angry during your interactions with her.
Don't ask her if she is seeing another man.
Don't cruise by her place to see if shes home or if there's another car in the driveway.
Dangerous comments to avoid
Be careful of what your friends and family tell you. They often give loads of well-meaning advice such as:
“You ought to show up at her place and tell her you love her.”
“I wouldn't take that from her.”
“Shell come running back to you…wait and see.”
“I cant believe you've stayed as long as you have.”
“Shes just trying to get your money.”
“She must have someone else.”
The single best resource for men facing divorce. Easy to read, lively, down to earth, and definitely guy-friendly. One of the best tools for lawyers, family doctors, therapists, and health-care professionals — every office should have a dozen copies. Written by nationally recognized experts in men's issues.
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
Sam J. Buser, Ph.D. is past-president of the Texas Psychological Association and a member of the American Psychological Associations Division 51 (Society for the Psychological Study of Men and Masculinity). With more than 20 years experience in treating men, Buser is an adjunct faculty member of the Counseling Psychology Program at the University of Houston, teaching graduate courses in marital and family therapy. He has appeared on the nationally syndicated Montell Williams Show, and is featured frequently on local radio and television programs as an expert on a variety of psychological topics. He earned his Ph.D. from the University of Texas.
Glenn F. Sternes, Ph.D. is an expert in the field of interpersonal relationships, men's issues and human sexuality. He teaches graduate courses on the subjects and maintains a clinical practice in the Houston Area. He and coauthor Sam J. Buser, Ph.D. are highly trained clinicians, licensed psychologists with 20+ years of experience. Both have frequently presented at local, state, and national conferences and have independent practices in Houston, Texas.
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Dr. Buser and Dr. Sternes are available to speak to your school, professional association, church, or synagogue. For further information contact them at:
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